BREAKING NEWS: John Boehner Admits Self Into Rehab For Daucus Carota Addiction

John BoehnerDaucus carota, also known as carrots, have apparently taken over the life of the current Speaker of the United States House of Representatives – and sources close to him have stated that he is now ready to talk about it.

For years now, his orange appearance has been attributed to the hundreds of golf games he plays a year (interestingly, while making statements that our President takes too much time off away from the office). Others have said it must be a tanning bed or spray on tan, as humans don’t really get that strange a shade when exposed to the big, fire ball in the sky. In late 2011, there was some chatter that he was actually an alien because of his orange skin and creepy eyes, but that was later dismissed as it became apparent he was not an alien, just a human being with orange skin and creepy eyes.

On Thursday of this week, aides to the Speaker sent out a press release that Mr. Boehner had admitted himself into the Rio Rancho Clinic in Northern Virginia. The statement went on to explain “...Representative Boehner has come to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, have an addiction to this specific root vegetable and feels it is something that needs to be addressed at this time in his career.” It went on to say that this personal issue has, in no way, had an adverse affect on the way he has performed his duties as a United States Representative, nor is it responsible for his constantly being an asshole to the President at the detriment to our Country. That, they explained, is just the type of human being he is.

We talked to Dr. Cynthia Higgenbottom at the Washington D.C. Medical Center, to see if she could shed some light on this matter. This is what she had to say:

Mr. Boehner suffers from an addiction that is not all that uncommon, as over 2% of Americans suffer from some form of vegetable addiction.” She then went to point out a study done in the UK in the early 1990′s, that found out that carrots could be just as addictive as cigarettes in some cases. (See article HERE).

Dr. Higgenbottom then added, “What we find most interesting is the particular hue of Mr. Boehner’s skin. Normal carrot addictions will cause a slight, orange tinting of the skin, but this man has taken on the look of a saddlebag that’s been soaked in carrot juice for a half a century.” She then added, “The Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations estimates that the production of carrots, around the world but mostly in China, averages around 35 million tons. By the look of Mr. Boehner’s face, I think it’s safe to assume he consumed at least half of that all on his own.”

Hours after this statement was released, the fact that more than half of all carrots are produced in China, has spurred the Tea Party into action as a means of removing Boehner from his seat of power – as he obviously must support Communism, being that he is such a big of a consumer of those ‘Commie Carrots’, as stated by one of their idiot leaders.

The White House has announced that they applaud Mr. Boehner’s bravery in dealing with this issue, and only hope that it inspires others to step forward as well. When asked if they were speaking about anyone in particular, they alluded to the fact that Senator Lindsey Graham seems rather pale and squishy, and it is a well-known fact in the halls of the Capital, that he is a member of the Cream Puff of the Month Club.

 

S. Bernstein is the creator of stuff, which can be seen at www.TheMessyGlory.com


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