The GOP And The Ted Bundy Chalkboard Test

Ted-Bundy

Okay, first things first. I don’t think republicans are serial killers, provocative title notwithstanding. It’s just that the other day I had something seemingly completely unrelated to politics pop in my head that drew an analogy between the infamous murderer of women, Ted Bundy, the republican party and who they look out for.

So, stay with me. I promise this will make sense by the time I’m done.

Most of you probably don’t remember the NBC film from 1986 called The Deliberate Stranger starring Mark Harmon of NCIS fame as Ted Bundy. At the time, it was pretty well thought of although it has largely been confined to the faded annals of TV movie history.

However, there is one scene from that telepic that has always stuck with me. Near the end of the film as the prosecutor is making his closing argument, he brings out a blackboard and a piece of chalk. He then takes the long round edge the piece of chalk and makes a thick straight line across the board. After doing so, he begins to discuss the evidence the state has against Mr. Bundy. With each new article of information he erases a portion of the line until the line disappears completely. The point being that when you stack up all that is known about the case against Mr. Bundy, you can only conclude that there is no reasonable doubt as to whom committed the murders of at least 30 women in the 1970′s.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Okay, that’s interesting, but what does it have to do with the GOP?” On the face of it, nothing. However, if you apply the Ted Bundy Chalkboard Test to the republican party and whose interests they represent, you get a similar result.

At this point, I want you to imagine that blackboard and that long, thick, straight line all the way across it. Now, I want you to think of the different groups of people in our country who make up the population of the United States.

Let’s start with racial minorities. Do you think that republicans stand for the rights of Mexicans, Latinos, Asian Americans, African-Americans, or Native Americans? No, you say? Well, I agree. They are anti-affirmative action, anti-immigrant, and even anti-civil rights. Okay then, let’s mentally erase a pretty good portion of that line.

Now let’s look at the ladies. Who doesn’t like women? Didn’t we all come from one? Well, the GOP opposed Lily Ledbetter, are anti-choice, and for the most part prefer their women of the Stepford variety (see Cindy McCain, Michell Bachmann, and whoever Newt’s latest wife is). I’m thinking we can erase some chalk off the board.

How about gays and lesbians? Sure, I know there is such a thing as gay republicans, but their existence baffles me. Here is a party that fought hard to sustain DADT, bends over backwards to keep gays from marrying, and in some cases compares their lifestyle to that of practitioners of beastiality (this means you, Rick Santorum). Don’t get me wrong, I understand the idea of not being a “one issue” voter, but what if that issue is essentially your right to exist? Time to remove some more chalk.

Then there’s senior citizens. A group of people whom are dependant upon Social Security and Medicare to sustain not only their health and home, but their very dignity. The GOP’s current front-runner thinks Social Security is a “Ponzi Scheme.” And their so-called fiscal genius, Paul Ryan, wants to replace Medicare with a coupon. Eraser, please.

Lastly, let’s look at the Middle Class and the poor. Have you ever seen a party less concerned with those making less than 250K per year? They want no investment in schools, teachers, the building and repair of roads and bridges, any extension of unemployment rates despite the current state of the economy. And that’s what they think of the working class. If you’re poor, well you better get a helmet, not that you could afford one. They want to kill Medicaid, drug test those on welfare (even though it would cost more to do so and the rate of addiction among the under class is not appreciably higher than that of those above the poverty line), cut back food stamps, force poor women to have children and then leave them out in the cold, and those are just the programs I can think of off the top of my head. Looks like we got a whole lot more chalk to get rid of on our line.

But hold on, we still have a little line left! Who are those people? What group of individuals could possibly be left after we have completed our Ted Bundy Chalkboard Test? It’s not much, just a sliver of very stubborn calcium carbonate that will not bend to the will of our eraser.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the next time you watch a republican debate (2016 isn’t that far away), wait until they scan the crowd. All those people cheering on the Governor of Texas’ death penalty record (243 and counting, yo!). All those with their expensive haircuts, brooches, and dresses and suits. You know, rich older white people. For the most part, the stale, the male, and the pale. And let’s not forget the rich, the very very rich. That’s who makes up that 2%. That is who the republican party represents. And somehow, that ever so thin line of remaining chalk has convinced nearly 48% of the rest of us that there is somehow some reasonable doubt about this party’s intentions towards the rest of us. It is nothing less than a fatal combination of alchemy and ignorance.

Once again, I’m not suggesting that the GOP is filled with craven lunatics like Ted Bundy. I mean, come on, they actually have a little chalk left on the board, whereas poor Ted was left with absolutely nothing at the end of the prosecutor’s closing argument.

I suppose they should be proud.

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